sometimes a girl takes to her blog and vents...

wtf (what the funk) is with this "mom-guilt" thing? and none of us are immune! well... no thanks.

the only good use of guilt is as a check to make sure one's life is aligned with their values.

i have been allowing the guilt to have a field-day in my head, so definitely not putting it to the good use mentioned above.

i am tired, and when i am tired i am not alert.

when i am not alert, my mind roams to the most unnecessary of places.

but it really just wants me to come reign it in, scoop it up, and hug it.

but then the guilt! see? it's like, no, no hug for you!

seriously? enough already.

*mind-hug*

there were lots of other, more happy and fun posts that i thought about writing, but just getting this out feels nice. and leaves a nice blank canvas for aforementioned happy-fun posts :)

AND TO ALL A HAPPY SOLSTICE!

the winter solstice is the ancient traditional new year. a time to honor the darkness within and without, to let ourselves rest, as we will be as new babes in the coming year. time for don't know mind. 

i feel infinitely blessed that baby z was born the day after solstice. we were both born. i just think it is really cool, symbolically--it flows. i like it :) winter solstice is a time to release whatever's left that is limiting us. a time to empty our cups--so we can refill them with our hearts' dreams in the coming year! 

please see MYSTIC MAMMA for the cosmic lowdown. i am feeling the gratitude in finding this site! thank you mm! there's boundless inspiration to be found. much needed support for the changing times in which we live.

this new dawn holds much promise and i am very excited; a year ago i was at the biggest turning point in my life and now i have come full circle. i have my happy/healthy/terrific baby lee *gratitude* time to pause, reflect, and celebrate with ceremony... before the cycle begins again :) wishing you all a merry day and blessed solstice <3

hey, look! it's the new year baby!

note: the heavens have some fireworks in store for the end of 2013/beginning of 2014. the year is going out with a bang and coming in with one as well--double-bang--hello grand cross! be ready by grounding yourself in love and taking your rest now. stay in tune with your soul and tuned into MYSTIC MAMMA for upcoming details!

#tbt

one year ago this very day...
#pregnantselfie

yep. three days before i birthed my beloved son. i am perhaps the most nostalgic i have ever been. and also have more than a few posts devoted to this nostalgia brewing. i'd like to do a bursting-at-the-seams mono-post, but that won't do. neither will a slew of micro-posts... so because lee is awake and plays only so long with his grandpa before grandpa returns him to me... this will be a throwback to pregnancy post. and, i believe that it just so happens to be throwback thursday, according to the interwebz! so in the spirit of things, a collection of bump photos and a painted portrait, all by ronnie gist, a visionary artist-friend, thank you, ronnie!

hummingbirds & hawks

one week until christmas in los angeles. behold! some welcome color change!

another blessed, lovely day! *gratitude* lee and i went to our usual park for our usual walk and play. we saw a pair of hummingbirds play and joyfully flit about. love them so! we saw my beloved totem, red-tail hawk, hang out right above us on a light post. we said our hellos, listened and watched awhile. mr. hawk was calling non-stop before he took off and landed directly atop the nearest soaring pine.

another hawk then swooped over from a neighboring sky-high tree, landing directly next to hawk 1. they began calling in unison. to me, it felt strange. the calling continued uninterrupted for over five minutes (at which point we left so lee could get a nap in--never happened by the way, but he's now snoozing comfortably and adorably to my right. woot!). i wondered if these were two baby hawks who needed their mama.

a few days earlier we were blessed to see two hawks soaring; a larger one flying lower, and a smaller one, exploring loftier heights. i decided that it was a mama teaching her baby to fly. so today my mind immediately went to the thought of baby hawks in distress. i wanted to stay longer and investigate, but lee-lee is first. as we were taking off, a mob of crows flew in, ready to harass and chase off the raptors. who knows what happened, but being that this park is our little hotspot, perhaps we will see more avian-action. it seems to be a bird-y hotspot too :)

fun fact, my first word was "bird". i enjoy watching them congregate and soar, listening to their melodies, and just plain enjoying their presence. almost all my animal totems are birds. lee is fascinated by them. although his first word was "dog"--kid loves dogs. lee has praying mantis and grasshopper totems (and now red-tail!) so far. a baby of each visited him. he was very intrigued, and i was delighted as well. being that mantis is also a totem of mine, i had visions of mama-baby tai chi dancing in my head... along with some sugar plum fairies ;) ho ho ho!

i'm very excited for all that's coming up. the winter solstice, lee's first birthday (!), christmas, the new year. i am looking forward to celebrating and sharing these special times with baby boy. yay.

farewell, fall

today fall really announced it's getting ready to skip town. temperatures dipped and the winds stirred up all the fallen leaves. we went to the park for a walk and some play. it was kids galore, nannies too. lee met a baby girl a month older than him and they vibed pretty well. his mom and i had a nice little chat. bonus.

being that we have the full moon (1:28 am!) in gemini, my brain is exploding with information and ideas. about a million projects. yesterday i got crafty and made a painted penne pasta garland and some paper ornaments for our tiny tree, really simple ideas that just slipped in the right lobe straight from the void (thank you, gemini, you rock!).

if you're like me and loving the quick mental energy but are verging on overload, join me in unplugging for a few and indulge yourself in some healing breaths and let it all go. it'll be right where you left it tomorrow :) revel in the full moon energy and do what your soul loves, celebrate. pause for a moment to dream your perfect life into existence--it's happening now :)

lots of love all~

nappy fuzz

"mmmama let's craft!" 

going

 going...

 all dressed up and nowhere to go

 getting to know his shadow-self

sukhasana/easy pose :)

the end <3

'tis the season... for poems(!)

winter solstice on the horizon
time to prepare

ritual, ceremony, gathering
feeling the crisp chill, excitement in the air

time for action, feasting, celebration
but also for quiet reflection, rest and self-care

a year ago this time, i had my baby
the twenty-second, to be exact

leander zia, joon,
you came to join the pack :)

mama and baby born at winter's dawn 
once one, now two

i waited and wished my whole life
to love and welcome you

now that the year comes full circle
i sit, deep in gratitude and joy

the greatest gift is to be your mother
my angel-baby boy 

...

hi... 
we're ba-aaaack. where did we go? more on that later! i just wanted to say hi and spread the love <3

Classix

So a few nights ago while in between laundry in the wee hours I got a wild hair and threw together some top-ten songs lists from three classic acts: David Bowie, The Beatles, and The Rolling Stones. And although it violates the essence of the top-ten list, you'll find the songs in no particular order--that'd be way too hard :) What do you think? 

DAVID BOWIE:
Starman
Soul Love
Five Years
The Man Who Sold The World
Oh, You Pretty Things
Kooks
John, I'm Only Dancing
Space Oddity
A New Career In A New Town
Sound & Vision

THE BEATLES:
Nowhere Man
I'm Looking Through You
I'll Follow The Sun
Baby, It's You
P.S. I Love You
Something
Mean Mr. Mustard
Her Majesty
In My Life
Free As A Bird

THE ROLLING STONES:
She's A Rainbow
Can't You Hear Me Knockin'
Emotional Rescue
All About You 
Sweet Virginia
Shine A Light
Under My Thumb
Fool To Cry
Beast Of Burden
Time Is On My Side

<3

Perma-bun

I've sworn off the perma-bun forever (this is not entirely realistic, but, I am setting the bar high). What's a "perma-bun", you ask?

perma-bun n.

symptom of new motherhood; haphazard top-knot bun worn morning, noon and night, for days on end; results in soreness to the crown of the wearer's head with the possibility of dreadlocked hair upon removal; temporarily makes postnatal hair-loss "no longer an issue" (until it exacerbates said issue).

Um, yeah, hi. Welcome to my life. I pulled that sucker out last week to discover a h u g e dread (and tumbleweed of fallen-hair); found it in the shower and simultaneously discovered that, it is true, what they say about hair-loss after giving birth. I could not loosen the dread, but I did manage to remove a tremendous amount of hair. After a liter of conditioner, lots of brushing (and several more handfuls of hair), voila, the dread was gone.

I must pause for a digression here, in order to inject some real-time, lovey-dovey cuteness: my son is totally "helping" me blog right now! *ADORABLE*. He's sitting on my lap trying to type, and-- whoops! Little guy just deleted my last line, hey… aaaaand… he just barfed (don't even get me started on the projectile-pooping incident of earlier this morning--too early--still processing that one).

I digress? More like, tangent, yo. That said, Lee is still cuteness personified, spewing and all. "You take the good, take the bad, and there you have…" :) Now, back to the permabun's demise. I definitely did not spend the last five years growing this mane (I'm a Leo *RAWR*) of cascading curls out from a platinum pixie only to hide it away in the lowliest form of updo (that's right, I am also a hairstylist--shame on me!). So I jettisoned the helpful/harmful perma-bun in favor of long and flowing, and I am just lov-- OWWWWWW, Lee. Lee, please release mommy's hai-- OW OW OWWW! *sigh*

<3

                                RIP perma-bun!

Dear Yoga

Dear Yoga,

I miss you. And, I'm coming back, it's--it's just--I've been busy... but I haven't forgotten about you, no. My look is slouchy these days, at best, and Body feels it (Body gets proper noun status for all that hard work, giving me and Lee a drug/intervention-free, QUICK birth, thank you, Body!). "Little" Lee grew 7 inches, and doubled his birthweight in 4 months (as of yesterday, love you Baby, you're a third of the way through your first year, weee!).

That's 120 days I've spent away from your warm glow, Yoga. Though I am experiencing the warmest glow of all :) I know you understand, and forgive, but I'll never take that fact for granted, Yoga. I need your help. The non-stop nursing and baby-wearing are taking their toll--the slouch unnerves (love you, Ergobaby, you are the most comfortable baby-carrier out there ever). Time to get my happy-spine back.

That's where you come in, Yoga. I'm coming back running to you. No, this is not just some manifesto! I've been gone too long, I'm paying the price, and I'm coming home. I know you missed me too, but that's cool, you don't have to say anything. You know, Mr. Lee is a baby yogini already, I can tell. What fun we'll have. So, Yoga, look for me on a mat near you, coming soon~~~

<3

Ain't That A Kick In The Throat

It's a good thing steel-toed boots aren't fashionable for babies, or else I'd need a new wind pipe. Lee just ninja'd my neck full-force. This was a first, foot-to-throat action, though he's no stranger to givin' mama the boot... One place he's fond of kicking is my uterus-ovaries zone, which has me wondering if he might be trying to tell me he wants to be an only child. He does this when I sleep-nurse him, until he settles down and just goes with the flow (pardon the pun). Gotta say, kicks were more bearable when coming from the inside (and my baby wasn't a hefty 15 pounds!).

All jokes aside, the kicking is a good sign. It means Lee's strengthening the muscles in his legs and feet so he can use them to walk. And speaking of walking, he totally wants to and believes that he can, it's adorable; he stands with my support and looks beyond thrilled, then paws the ground and expects to just magically start walking, and when nothing happens he looks slightly perplexed then plops down onto his (cute, cute) little butt. I actually dreamed recently that he could walk at this age, it was quite funny to see him that tiny and ambulatory.

But, yeah, what a relief glad babies don't walk this young.

<3

Seize The Nap

When Lee naps, it's go-time. For the record, he isn't napping now; he's being fantastically wonderful, squirming and smiling approvingly, as if to say "you go, Mama, write your lil' heart out". I swear he knows I'm about to begin my first ever blog-post, and he likes it. He hasn't got the same tolerance for me taking a pee-break, but if I can get this post off the ground, well, I consider myself blessed (*cooing with delight*).

Whoever said "sleep when the baby sleeps", was cut off before ending the statement with: "after you've finished everything else", misleading millions of women, everywhere. I'm a firm believer in sleeping when you are tired exhausted dead (kidding!). Sure, rest is fundamental, but it isn't valued much in our society, so we're all working it, overtime, especially mamas.

Whether it's flossing, bathing, eating, emailing, cleaning, endless laundry-doing, WRITING... it's all happening (or at least started) during a Lee nap. I like to call it "napthyme" just because. Sometimes I really do sleep when he is sleeping, it is just... there are higher items on my to-do list (you know, that dreadful post-it over there that isn't even sticky anymore it's so old, staring me down menacingly?).

He is 3.5 months old and I've painted my nails(!). Lacquering was, in the moment, more desirable than sleep, what can I say? Blame it on the hormones. Sometimes I really, really watch an episode of Mad Men, all the way through, or I cook fun vegan concoctions--"intuitive cooking", I call it.

So, here's to the nap, something I cherish. Whether joining in the slumber or not, I am grateful, I love my Lee, this little miracle that came through me, and I SEIZE the nap! Then, when stopped dead in my tracks sometime later (anywhere from 5 minutes to 2.5 hours--c'mon 2.5!), I know I'll have a lighter heart with which to tend le bebe.

<3